1. |
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ACT 1
( Somewhere in deep suburbia, nowadays…
A group of good American alcohol consumers gather round…)
1- TALES OF TWO GUYS NAMED JOE
Some Sailor:
Sitting all night in a Chinese pub in the country
Spinning out tales of my life at sea
And two guys named Joe
Their awkward tale of a three-year trip
And a guru who left them high and dry
( Sailor, munching a pouch of spinach, points to a video screen above the bar. We see two over aged hippies on screen…)
Hippies: Dreaming, dreaming of a perfect high
Dreaming, dreaming of the perfect high
Sailor: They traveled fifteen hundred miles
To comes to grips with life on Earth
The neighbors only sat and smiled,
“They’ll only find their just dessert..” ( Dreaming…..)
So this is the tale of two guys named Joe Seed and Joe Chillum
And their do-nothing lives, and a bicycle tube, And the C.I.A.
There’s not much to tell, they weren’t doing too well
They were unhappy as hell TILL THEY HEARD THE WORD
Voice on TV: And the word was BUM. Seed and Chillum were BUMS. They spent every day out on the street corner, Bumming for a dime.
( Flashback to three years earlier –
somewhere in central New Jersey…)
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2. |
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2- WHAT WE GONNA DO?
Seed/Chillum: What we gonna do today?
What we gonna do today?
Don’t want to read a book today
Don’t want to go to church today
And I don’t wand to see another job today.
Don’t wanna ride the bus today
I want to give my germs away
I wish I knew how I got here
Just need another six of beer
And I can’t seem to score a lousy buck today
What we gonna do when the rent is due?
In and out of work, nothing special can do
Gotta get out, gotta get high
Bottle of scotch, hashish pie
Gotta get out, stuck in my head
Don’t want to shine shoes
I’d rather play dead
( They see old, Partially Wise Man…)
Seed: Who’s that old man sitting on the corner…
Chillum: On an old white rug…
Both: With a bicycle tube ‘round his neck?
He looks like he’s been here for hundreds of years
Seed: Say there, old man, what is happening?
How long ‘ya been here?
Chillum: Got any spare change?
Both: Looks like you’ve been here for a while
Love your carpet, nice high pile
Know any good spots we could occupy
Where alcoholic beverages come freely by?
Or if you have DRUGS on your mind,
We’d love to know where we could find quality,
Cheap-fully, stone-fully…
( They surround Partially Wise Man, squatting on rug….)
OldMan:Schmucks! So you think I got to this position by pan-handling
and larking about? I wasn’t born beautiful, I had to work at it.
It took all my life to achieve peaceful harmony within myself.
You fellas look like a couple of good Joes, tell you what I’m
gonna do…
( Seed & Chillum lean closer to Old Man..)
I know the secret of eternal happiness,
But it takes LOTS OF WORK.
( They reel back in obvious pain..)
Seed/Chillum: WORK?!?
Don’t want to go to work Don’t want to think tall
Don’t want to do it right Don’t want to do it at all
And I never want to get a friggin’ job again
We should be actively, eternally…..
Dreaming, dreaming of the Perfect High
Old Man: hmmmm…seems to me a couple of pencil neck geeks such as yourselves could use a break. Tell you what I’m gonna do, take this here SACRED BICYCLE INNER TUBE…
( Takes it off his own neck…)
And carry it with you at all times for it will protect you from many
mysteries that lie ahead; for you will have to journey through
strange lands to find he that knows the PERFECT HIGH..
To the land of the PANCHILLA GORILLA
Seed/
Chillum: What the f…?
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3. |
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3- PANCHILLA GORILLA
OldMan: It’s been known for a couple of years
No one knows how it really began
When I was young someone bended my ear
Told me all about a holy man
He set to sea in a Chinese junk at the turn of the century
And built a kingdom far off in Nepal
and shut off from humanity
He’d laugh his face off if he heard the news
He’s wanted by Internal Revenue
Panchilla Gorilla, his riches are complete
He holds a Parliamentary seat
Panchilla Gorilla, he got power in his eyes,
The secret of ETERNAL HIGH
He bummed around for many a year
Something you boys do quite well
Till something magical happened to him
and he set off on full sail
They tried for years to catch up with him
But he hid his fortress deep
So many pits and elaborate traps
would turn hunters to mincemeat
No one alive has ever heard the word ETERNAL HIGH
There’s only one who’s learned,
Seed/
Chillum: Panchilla Gorilla
Old Man: He sits up in his house
wondering what’s the fuss about
Seed/
Chillum: Gorilla, Panchilla
Old Man: If he you wish to know, I can tell you where to go
All 3: Panchilla Gorilla, ah
Gorilla, Panchilla
Old Man: He set himself up as a King,
Bought the kingdom in an auction sale
He made up stories of the Gorilla
Who was always after human tail.
Sometimes at night when he shines a moon
All the villagers stop and pray
He’s always “on” something so they say
He isn’t sure if it’s night or day
All 3: Panchilla Gorilla
Old Man: He’s got Congress in his hand like some
crooked grains of sand
Seed/Chillum: Panchilla Gorilla
Old Man: ‘Got the power in his eyes, get to him and you’ll get by
All 3: Panchilla Gorilla, ah, Gorilla, Panchilla
( Seed and Chillum take off down the road with the SACRED BICYCLE INNER TUBE in hand. They disappear into nearby woods. Woods in New Jersey? This can’t be Wallington or what’s left of Plainsboro - home of the most annoying traffic lights and ugliest Trendoid Yuppie dwellings.
The boys soon find an old music box on the side of the road with an inscription that used to read “RoadApples”. They rub it a few times, or it rubs them, whatever, and a voice emerges….)
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4. |
MUSIC BOX (g shuss)
02:36
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4- MUSIC BOX
Voice: Out of the woods, out of the dark and into the light. Seed & Chillum set off to find their mentor. Armed with the BICYCLE TUBE and the (partially) wise man’s words engraved in their minds, they set off on their holy task – to find the Panchilla Gorilla.
( I’d like to take this time to thank Sheila and Babette for the swell costumes and impression of Siberian Hula Girls at an all Latvian retailer’s conference.
Costumes by Ernst of Latvia, of course. Back to business..
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5. |
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As they walk, our heroes are unaware of a sinister figure following them and watching their every move. It’s the dreaded NATTIE the NASTY. He’s been out trying to sell leaves to a few trees…)
Nattie: ah…ahh….ahhhh….Leaving so soon?
I can’t hear you. Why, my little party’s just beginning.
I’ll get you, my little uglies, and your bicycle tube too!! Ah…ahhhhh
(Nasty Nattie salivates at the thought of doing them in. His two cronies, Cranky and Craunky, catch up with him, handing him his Nasty Telescope and portable bush…)
5- NASTY NATTIE
Nattie: Wherever you are, your time is up
When Nattie the Nasty says
He’ll come to your room where your door is locked
And chop it to bits with his head
Cronies: He is no mortal man
Stronger than Superman
You’d better do just what he said or you will be dead
All 3: Nasty Nat-ty!
Nattie: Nobody wants to mess with me. Nobody dares.
Nobody wants to be my friend.
They think I’ll get them in the end.
But when all is said and done, I never carry any gun.
When you are alone, you’re indisposed
when Nattie the Nasty says
I’ll beat up your grandmother in her robe
Or kick your pet cat in the head
Cronies: He is not a nice guy
He’ll take the cream off your pie
Nobody ever messed with Nat, he’ll piss on your hat
( Nattie is beside himself with goulish nastiness )
Craunky: He can change you
Cranky: Re-arrange you
Both: He’ll punch your face in!
Nattie: I’ll punch Grandma – kick her wheelchair over
( He does a Nasty Dance as he and his henchpersons celebrate the future demise of our heroes. Unaware of danger, Seed & Chillum decide to go for it. The quest begins. The HOLY TUBE beckons to way to go…)
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6. |
WE'RE OFF (c.breetveld)
04:28
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6- WE’RE OFF
Seed
Chillum: It’s been nice in New Jersey
But we must be going
It’s just a matter of time
This MAGIC TUBE is moving
We’re off to find that magic man
Who’ll tell me what I am, who’ll tell me what is wrong
Please tell me the secret of your ways
The perfect buzz-on every day
The highest high of all
Freedom, free from the clutches of real life
Wisdom, to know why we want freedom
We’re off, we’ll go from land to land
Gotta find Panchilla Man
Gotta make him understand
That we’re all just looking for a way to get by,
Always looking for another high
But life just passes by
Power, some people seek it by the hour
We don’t care, we just need power for our stereos
And radios
And micro-wave ovens and fridge
Gotta get out, don’t want to think much
Don’t wanna be here, I want to lose touch
Gotta find him one of these days
Seed to
Chillum: Look Carlos,
( He sometimes called him carlos, I don’t know why…)
the TUBE….it..speaks…
( The TUBE starts moving around until it transforms into a near-human looking head, kinda like Howard Cosell. )
TUBE: We will pass through many lands on the way to Panchilla: each village will be a different high in itself. The Perfect High may be found in any one…Or possibly not at all….
( The boys soon enter into the first of a host of strange places. Here, the alcoholic high is on constant tap. People are Ga-Ga, trashed, Billy Ray’d, blasted. The TUBE cautions that they might indeed find themselves VERY happy here – and not want to ever leave. After passing statues of Ulysses S. Grant, W.C. Fields, Ray Davies and Jerry Falwell, Seed & Chillum come to the town square. With four bars on every corner, it kinda looks like South River – but they are far away…in the Land of Lush…)
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7. |
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7- THE LAND OF LUSH
Local
Shopkeeper: I’m glad I own a liquor store
It keeps me off the streets
We’re drinking alcohol constantly
No cop patrols the street
They’re much too drunk to anyway
the people laugh and sing
Towns
people: A monument to the peaceful life,
our living Land of Lush
And everyone should go out dancing
when they leave this land of ours
Nobody wants to go out and destroy
This is the real McCoy,
: This is HIGH
Nobody’s ever out of beer or rye
Our fountains flow with wine, light or dry
Seed/ Chillum &
Townspeople: Is this the perfect high?
Shopkeeper: My father drank since infancy
My mother starts at six
The modern way to a happy life
No one wants to quit
There’s no confusion, there’s no push and shove
We’re always hearing voices from above
All: THIS IS THE PERFECT HIGH.
( After many weeks here, Seed & Chillum decide they must move on. Even the thought of missing the annual Blind Lemon Pledge Barbecue and Drunkathon can’t deter them from their sacred quest. For many other lands, with different pleasures lie ahead.
Hidden by his portable bush, Nasty Nattie plots his next move…..)
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8. |
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8- NASTY’S SOLILOQUY
Nasty: Hmmmm…..let’s see
I must think of a way to stop this journey of these
veritable wimps.
I must think of the right way to end this journey,
to make sure they don’t find the Perfect High.
I hate being high. Low is the way to go.
Hmmmm…let’s see…….some plywood…..a little bit of paint
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9. |
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Side Two
( Voices come out of the same TV screen from Act 1, Scene 1. We see on monitor two tired figures somewhere in the mountains of Poland or France – I don’t know, who forgot the map? And they’re down to their last roach motel….)
9a- ENTRACT
TV Voices: What you gonna do when you’re out in the cold?
9b- MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE TURNED LEFT
Seed/Chillum: How many days ‘we been out here on our own?
It seems like years since we left our only home
Sometimes it seems that we must be off our head
Right now I wish I was back home and in bed
We’ve been away so long
It really gets so dismal on the road
Feeling bad, not knowing where to go
And being out here really is no fun
I’m feeling sad being on the run
How many days ‘we been out here on the road?
It seems like years since we left our only home
Maybe we should have turned left, gone the other way
Look, there’s a tourist booth
Straight up on ahead
Let’s see what the man say…
I’d give my all to be back home
I’d never stray too far again
No one could ever bring me back
I’m lost and off the track
Got demons on my back
How many days ‘we been out here on the road?
It seems like years since we left our only home
Maybe we should have turned left, gone the other way
Look, there’s a tourist booth
Straight up on ahead
Let’s see what the man say…
( A hastily assembled shack stands on the roadside, in the middle of nowhere. Nasty Nattie is disguised as a tourist guide….)
9c- THE TOURIST BOOTH
Nasty: Good evening, gentlemen, what can I do you?
Seed/Chillum: We’re lost. We don’t know where to go.
Nasty: (Hah…ah….ah..ah..ahhhh.)
Seed/Chillum: We’re trying to find our peace of mind.
Nasty: I know just the place you have in mind.
Just take this HANDY LITTLE MAP,
I’m sure it’ll show YOU where it’s at.
Seed/Chillum: Thanks, honorable friend,
we’ll see you again.
( They walk away, looking at the map…)
Nattie: Of THAT you can be sure,
You miserable little bores.
HA HA, I’ve sent them to the Land of Incorrigible Influences,
where the next Republican convention will take place.
They won’t get a high, they’ll get….BUMMED OUT!
Ha Ha Ha
( He squeals with nasty delight.….)
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10. |
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(On to the land of….what he said before where our stooges, I mean heroes, chance upon a local night spot, the Surley Inn, where a less-hip-than-thou crowd throngs to hear local band, “Young Grandpa.” Sensing that all is not too well, they pay the two bucks cover to the grotesque matron at the door, Irmapit, and check out the band….)
10- CUT LIKE A BLADE
“YoungGrandpa”:
Read the other day babe
You’re going away
Tying the knot, trying to please you
Doesn’t seem to win the race
Like Alice through the looking glass, babe
I can’t see the past
And you’re clouding up my future
You cut me like a blade babe
It’s like a knife thru the heart
You can spit out the pieces
Now stop the clock
You cut just like a blade babe
Razor sharp edge smooth
Took what you want ain’t that enough
You cut like a blade
Strength is all it takes babe
What you can’t face
Feeding the flame
If this old good time
Had lost the spark lite why’d you lie?
Like Alice thru the looking glass babe
I can’t see the past
And you’re clouding up the future
You cut me like a blade babe
It’s like a knife thru the heart etc…
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11. |
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( Wow! Seed & Chillum are bummed out. Joe Chillum starts to imagine a stock portfolio, his wife’s SAAB convertible, 3 VCRs, “Dallas”, DINNER WITH THE BOSS. But Seed manages to bring him back from the edge of bland professionalism just as a paisley-painted VW Bus pulls up. It’s the van from Moishe’s Psychadelicatessen, in the Land of Wacko, just down the road.
They are invited in for some cheese and onions. Like man, everyone there was GONE man…real GONE. The counter was open in the front so the guy that worked there didn’t have to do anything. A real union shop.
From the back of the store our heroes hear music being played – sounding like a 14 year old wrote it…..and they were right…..)
11- THOROUGHSIN’S HIGH SPEED VACUUM SHOPPE
Trip McHeadband:
If you ever thought of jumping on a horse in a balloon
If you ever wanted television built into a pill
There’s room for you at Thoroughsin’s High Speed
Vacuum Shoppe,
Thoroughsin’s High Speed Vacuum Shoppe
We see people talking to a sheet into a dive
To only learn that the secret’s been withheld
beside the blinds
We’ll make room for you at Thoroughsin’s High Speed
Vacuum Shoppe
There’s a world for you if you come inside
We do everything with High Speed Mind
We’ll accommodate you at Thoroughsin’s High Speed
Vacuum Shoppe
We’ll commiserate with you at, Thoroughsin’s High Speed
Vacuum Shoppe,
Thoroughsin’s High Speed Vacuum Shoppe
( After a pleasant but uneventful 18 months of drug enforced hilarity, 100 pounds thinner, and desiring of public office, Seed & Chillum once again decide to hit the road. Every high seems soooooo good at the time, it’s really hard to pick the best.
Our travelers soon come to a different sort of high, a little town where it’s Christmastime all year round. And everyone knows what kind of high Christmas is. As they enter Town, snow is lightly falling; the children are singing Christmas carols through the streets….)
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12. |
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12- CHRISTMAS SONG
Children: The sun is going down, the snow is on the ground
It’s Christmas here in Town just like it used to be
The choir sings a hymn, the children are all in
The toy stores all a-grin, just like they knew they’d be
This is the only way we’ve ever known Christmas day
No schedule for the day, eternal holiday
And Santa’s on his way, just like we knew he’d be
The echoes of a tear so very far from here
We’re filled with Christmas cheer just like we used to be
This is the only way we’ll ever know Christmas day
This is the only way we’ve ever known Christmas day
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13. |
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13- I’M NASTY FLY ME
Nattie: Ho…Ho…Ho…little boys, take a trip on Santa’s
“Magic Sled” hmmm?
Just step right up here boys, that’s it, just step up here…
( The “Magic Sled” is really a big SKY ROCKET, with a short fuse. Nasty lights it and the boys take off into space itself…)
Happy landing!
( To himself…)
Who knows where they’ll land?
See you in China!!
( He nastily laughs again…
As our heroes sail through the clouds, their lives pass before them in a nifty collage of sounds possible only on 4-track tape…until quite accidentally, the rocket BLOWS UP – sending the boys flying….DOWN………….TO………………EARTH………….)
Seed/Chillum: Ohhhhhhhhhhh……….(ppttthhhuddd!)*
( They land with a ( * ) on a huge doorstep with 15 foot high doors, with a huge set of knockers – surrounded by fierce jungle and mountains….)
Chillum: Whooa…where are we?
Seed: Look at the size of that door!
( Seeing nameplate on door..)
Chillum: Hey, hey Look at that sign……..” P. GORILLA”
( Reprise of the “Perfect High” theme.
Scene fades out as the boys bang on door…..fade in – inside the home of the Panchilla Gorilla himself where we find him doing the morning dishes….)
Panchilla
Gorilla: Ah, company. Come on in!
Seed: Hey, are you the Panchilla Gorilla?
Panchilla: Yeah, I…oh I know what ya came here for, you came to hear my impersonations – I got a million of them.
( He performs a medley of favourites…)
Seed: Hey…hey, do you know the secret of the PERFECT HIGH?
Panchilla: SURE! To have a HIT record, of course.
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14. |
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14- BABY, I’M A ZERO
1-There is nothing I ain’t forgotten
I don’t even know THAT for sure
There is nothing I don’t do rotten
I’m a fink, I’m a back stage bore
I do things that I want to
I do things with a snide
I do things that I tell you are a lie
Something’s really hurt you, darling, why?
Baby, baby I’m a zero
Baby, you know I ain’t no hero
Baby, baby I’m a zero
2-I do things you can’t tell your mother
I do things make your daddy sore
I’m the sleaze standing in your doorway
Someone else couldn’t bug you more
I’m the scourge of South Brunswick
I’m the nut with the flies
I’m the scrotch in the closet, I’m the slime
Baby, baby I’m a zero
Baby, you know I ain’t no hero
Baby, baby I’m a zero
I know no one of interest
They know nothing of me
Nothing’s bound to go right if it’s up to me
Show me where the door is
I mean nothing but failure
Might become a sailor
Baby, baby I’m a zero (repeat chorus until tired)
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15. |
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15- WELL, I GUESS WE COULD STAY
Seed/Chillum: I feel like the endless Summer
Sun tanned and the rain just passed me
Who will ever think to ask me,
Who will have the time to catch me?
Starting now I’m a national success
Right now I’m in permanent recess
A HIT record’s all I ever really wanted
No time for the struggling, undaunted
Coolness is in me, I feel like I’m already there
Heroes and Villains go by as I sit in my chair
Panchilla: So now you think you’re rock & roll heroes
Seed/Chillum: Don’t talk to us, you’re a nothing…a ZERO!
Panchilla: Two years ago there was one just like you
No ear for music and a 70 IQ
Nattie the Nasty was sure he could crash the dance craze
He ended up playing banquets
Then joined the C.I.A.
He turned to evil and treachery
Now he’s top dog in the agency
All 3: Boy did he turn bad!
Seed: You mean that guy who followed us around?
The one who never knew his ass from the ground?
Panchilla: He also makes leisure suits for Don Kirshner
A money grubber….
Seed/Chillum: You can’t get much worse, sir ( or worser )
Panchilla: I used to work for the F.B.I.
I never partied, I never got high
I used to guard all the drugs confiscated
I took them ALL one night
While they were out raiding….
Seed/Chillum: OH……you know, you’re really ONE HECK of a guy
Oh, and we could stay here forever more,
We could stay to the end
We could stay to the end
We could stay to the end
Oh, we could stay till………..
………………………………THE END.
( Don’t try this at home, kids. )
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21. |
Diken/Breet outtakes
03:23
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The Breetles Princeton, New Jersey
The Breetles, an American power-pop band, are Chris Breetveld and anyone who plays Breetles songs, with or without him. They became one of the founding rocks of the "Kendall Park (New Jersey) Sound" starting around 1982. They have been described as the illegitimate flower-child of The Who, The Beatles, XTC, The Kinks, Mrs. Miller and Cheap Trick. Power-pop, cleverly-stupid, quiet is the new loud. ... more
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